Ballin It Up: Cavaliers Owner Balls Up Himself


After 5 years of failing to assemble a good enough supporting cast to win when it counts, the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers is pissed. And for all the wrong reasons.

In a letter to Cleveland fans that was no doubt meant for one former resident in particular. By now even non-sports fans have had a chance to check out this massive PR vomit fest so I’ll spare the recounting. But this epic piece of 7th grade level poetry and grammar bears repeating

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED “KING” WINS ONE

Despite the grammatical errors and the fact that James had been instilled with that nickname by everyone in the world since he was 15 (thanks secret Nike middle-school recruiters), Gilbert’s rant is a clear case of projected narcissism that probably makes James’s decision feel that much better.

Though losing out on the chance find something positive to say about their hometown team The New York Times agrees as well. They point out that it is Gilbert who created the James monster. I mean have you seen the posters on warehouse walls in Cleveland the last few years? The Cavs are as guilty of stroking Lebron’s “Lebron-sized” ego as he is.

Rather than going further into rationally picking apart the reasons why this was a bad move for Gilbert I will instead engage in my own Gilbert-esque rant about why he looks more ridiculous than Lebron:

As if the Cavaliers have any clout to make such accusations. I hate to break it to you dude but you tried, and it didn’t work out. It happens. Bottom line: in a sport that is as focused on the spectacle and glitz as professional basketball, no one WANTS to play in Cleveland. It’s not like you had Lebron james because of some shrewd deals and a proven track record of developing winners. The Cavs were shitty like everyone else who is trying to up their draft stock and got lucky by just happening to have the #1 pick the year Lebron entered the draft. In other words, he was a GIFT to you, and you squandered it. Ok maybe that’s a bit harsh, but you definitely did not do enough to ensure well in advance that he would stay. Seven years is more than enough time to build around a player who is the best in the world. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: YOU CAN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP WHEN YOUR SECOND OPTION IS MO WILLIAMS. PERIOD. And signing Shaq as if he were the answer to your woes? What is this 1996? 2004? I know for a fact it is not because those teams, the Lakers and Heat, HAVE titles, much like they will in the years to come. And I can tell you who won’t, the Cavs. And not because Lebron is a dick. He probably is. But that is as much a product of the Cavs elevation as his own. You had your chance. Now deal with it. You are obviously off to a great start with this letter showing every potential superstar ever that you will support a player until his decision is to not play for you. And then you will make him into an enemy.

That being said I hope the Heat get their ass handed to them in the Finals next year by LA. Need I remind everyone that Kobe Bryant and the Lakers do, in fact, still plan on playing.

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About Joe Faina

Rhetoric & Media Professor, Writer, Humorist

Posted on 07/10/2010, in Ballin It Up, Lebron. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. PREACH (except that last paragraph).

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